I just finished watching an episode of Flight of the Conchords (hillarious show BTW), which also has a lot of australian jokes (the guys are from New Zealand, and of course hate australians)

1. A large accumulation of excreted methane gas in a pig shed near verona in Italy was ignited from a spark from a fuse box, the resulting explosian destroyed the shed utterly and killed all 500 pigs. A witness said:"I saw pigs flying through the air, I thought it was doomsday.'
                                                                                                          The big issue

2. An argentinian woman who beheaded a 40 year old man and boiled hiss head has been granted a retrial on the grounds of self defence.
                                                                                                           Daily Express

3. The British Prime Minister, Mrs Thatcher, issued a statement from downing street saying: 'The IRA are now indescriminatley killing men, women and children and now they have killed two Australians.'

                                                                                                            Sydney morning herald

4. She said yesterday: 'Julia was born profoundly dead and wears two hearing aids.'

                                                                                                             Sunday telegraph

5. Mr Wielden was taken to Warwick general hospital for treatment but escaped serious injury.
                         
                                                                                                              Morning news

6. NO WATER - SO FIREMEN IMPROVISED

                                                                                                              Liverpool daily post

7. Five undersixteen year olds have abortions every day     

                                                                                                              Times Educational

8. Stories of a merger between coca cola and pepsi have been denied by both companies. It had been rumoured that the new advertising slogan would have been: 'If you want a new sensation, have a poke!'
                                                                                                               London Business news

9. One legged escapee rapist still on the run.
                                                                                                               Weekend Australian

10. Police in Ireland hunt unwanted man.
                                                                                                                The Irish times

11. Retired doctor Aubrey Westlake is fed up with people asking if his caravan site and holiday centre is a nudist colony. 79 year old Mr Westlake and his 71 year old wife cannot understand what makes people think there Sandy Balls holiday centre is for nudists.
                 
                                                                                                                 Sun

12. Drive carefully in the new year, remember that 9/10 people are caused by accidents.

                                                                                                                 Falkirk Herald

Thats all for now, I hope you like reading these. None of them are made up. Ill add more maybe, tommorow