EJECT!
Starring Jek Porkins

"Eject!" came the voice of the comm system.

"I can hold it," Porkins exclaimed.  An instant later he dropped his
cheesesteak.  "Damn it," he muttered.  "How the hell can they expect me to
fly an X-wing in combat, AND eat my between meals snack at the same time? 
Oh, man, there's cheese all over the controls..."

A light started flashing.  "What?  Geez, I wish I had paid attention when
people were teaching me how to fly.  OK.  Red light, flashing. Hmm.  What
could that mean?  Let me pull out the manual."  Porkins removed a paper
from his neck (he had been using it as a bib), and turned it over.

"So there's where I put my manual.  OK.  Let's see here.  Red flashing
light.  Red flashing light.  Ah, here it is.  'Red flashing light means
imminent explosion.'  Oh, man!  No time for a hot dog!"

Sealing up his spacesuit...well, trying to seal up his spacesuit...

"Shouldn't have had that last chocolate-chicken pot pie. Come on, Porkins
suck it in.  Almost there...almost there...<zip>  Good. Sealed up.  Now
to eject.  Where the heck is the eject button?

"What?  They put the eject button under my cinnabon maker?  How
inconsiderate of them.  I mean, how often does a pilot eject?  Versus,
how often does a pilot feel the need for a nice cinnabon.  Mmmmm.
Cinnabon.

"Damn, now I've got drool all over the inside of my helmet!  OK, move the
cinnabon maker out of the way and hit the eject button."

Porkins hits the eject button, and the canopy goes flying away.  The seat
starts to eject, but just moves a little bit.  "Hey!  What the hell is
wrong with this damn thing!  I told them *not* to get an American X-Wing. 
I wanted a Japanese X-wing, or at least a Volkswagon!  OK, don't panic. 
Think about survival, and getting back to base, where they will reward
with two tons of candy.  Yes, think about the candy..."

In his strange state of meditation, Porkins taps into the Force and
ejects himself into space.  Floating above the Death Star, he pulls
out a plate of pasta.  "Been almost two minutes since I ate.  Now
*that's willpower!"

"Guys, we're going in and we're going in full throttle!  That oughtta keep
those fighters off our tails!"

"Damn farmboy.  He's so thin he could probably pack in a whole side of beef
into his X-wing.  Lucky sonovabitch..."

"YEE HAW!  You're all clear kid!  Now let's blow this thing and go home!"

"hamsters DAMN IT!  That fatherless child made me spill my Coke all over the place. Why
the hell did he have to yell like that?   Now what am I going to drink
while eating my frozen yogurt and waiting to be picked up?

"Wait...if he has a clear shot...and I'm floating here...and he hits the
target...what will happen...when the Death Star explodes?!?"
Eric Bycer

<BOOM>  "Oh, my souffle!"